Part 1 - Toxic Masculinity, Leadership & the Ego Problem We Don’t Talk About

Let me take a deep breath before I start this one.

Because I watched a video that triggered me so badly I knew I had to write about it.

And before anyone gets defensive, I genuinely have a heart for godly men. This is not an attack on men. This is a confrontation of some of the ideas we have handed men and called biblical when, in reality, some of them have far more culture in them than Christ.

So, context.

I watched an interview between a host and a “self-professed” Christian man. He was talking about a woman in his life, and apparently people kept asking him:

“Why don’t you pursue her?”

His answer?

I wanted to lovingly knock him on his head. 😂

He basically said this woman was too aligned with God.

Yes.

You read that correctly.

According to him, she genuinely obeyed God. She took the Word seriously. It showed in how she lived, how she dressed, how she spoke, how she carried herself.

Basically, he was describing a Proverbs 31 woman.

And I’m listening like…

Sir. Isn’t that a GOOD thing?!

But then he explained the real issue.

He didn’t know if he could lead her.

Because God already led her so well.

Hold up.

I thought the order was God → man → woman.

So if a man is being led by God and a woman is being led by God, shouldn’t greater alignment with God make the relationship more compatible—not less?

Then the host asked him what I thought was a brilliant question:

If this woman is leading you somewhere good—somewhere you actually need to go—why does it matter who is leading in that particular moment?

His answer was essentially that it did matter because men LEAD…. Even when they’re loud and wrong… LOL. Okay, I added that last part, but humor me.

And that is when I realized:

This conversation was never really about leadership. It was about ego. Let’s go deeper…

1. When Someone’s Obedience to God Threatens You

Can we talk?

If somebody’s obedience to God makes you feel less like a man, the problem is not their obedience. THE PROBLEM IS YOU....

We need to examine your definition of manhood.

Because biblical masculinity should not be threatened by righteousness and godliness.

It should recognize it.

Honor it.

Protect it.

And learn from it when necessary.

• What if God placed that woman in his life because she carried something he needed?

• What if her discipline was supposed to challenge his?

• What if her hunger for God was supposed to awaken his?

• What if watching her obey God was supposed to expose the places where he was still negotiating with God?

Sometimes the person God sends into your life will not simply comfort who you are.

They will confront who you have refused to become. And that confrontation IS a gift.

There is no biblical equation that says God must develop every man through another man, or every woman through another woman.

God is God.

He can use a prophet. A spouse. A child. A stranger. An enemy.

A donkey, if necessary. Ask Balaam. 😂

God is not obligated to package your lesson in a form that protects your ego.

And sometimes we miss blessings because we don’t like the packaging.

I personally think this man may have been looking at a blessing in disguise, but couldn’t recognize it because of EGO…

Maybe this woman was positioned in his life to pull him closer to God—not by becoming his spiritual head, but by provoking him toward greater surrender.

Maybe she was supposed to challenge him in a healthy way so that he could eventually arise into the man God was calling him to become.

But that requires humility. And culture has unfortunately taught many men: “If you’re the man, you must always be ahead.”

No.

• Leadership does not mean you know everything.

• Leadership does not mean you have every answer.

• Leadership does not mean nobody can teach you.

In fact, one mark of a mature leader is knowing when someone else knows more than you do.

• Great leaders know how to listen.

• Great leaders know how to learn.

• Great leaders know how to leverage the strengths of the people around them.

• Great leaders aren’t intimidated by strong people.

And great leaders don’t need to be the smartest person in every room to know who they are.

This distorted version of masculinity—I must know everything, carry everything, fix everything, never need help and always be ahead—is crushing men.

Men are carrying burdens God never told them to carry.

Some suffer silently because asking for help feels like weakness.

Some cannot recognize when God has provided an escape route because they don’t like the package He sent it in.

And some reject wisdom because receiving it from a woman makes their ego uncomfortable.

That isn’t strength. That’s insecurity.

And let me add something else this man said.

He essentially admitted that he didn’t want to be with a woman who wouldn’t be intimate with him before marriage.

So basically: “Please encourage my sin before I marry you.”

Sir. We have bigger problems than who is leading whom. 😭

2. A Role Is Not the Same Thing as a Season

This is where I think we desperately need to correct something.

Yes, I believe Scripture gives men a leadership responsibility within marriage and family .

But hear me carefully: Being assigned a role does not automatically mean you have been equipped for it.

Calling does not equal maturity.

Responsibility does not equal readiness.

You still have to grow.

We need to differentiate between a role and a season.

Your role speaks to what you’re called to carry.

Your season speaks to what God may currently be doing to prepare you to carry the role.

The role is ordained; the season is temporary and is simply the pathway into the role.

And sometimes your season is:

Sit down and learn.

That doesn’t cancel your calling or role.

It prepares you for it.

A man may be called to lead his family spiritually while simultaneously being in a season where God is teaching him how to become the kind of man capable of doing it.

There is no shame in that.

The danger comes when someone demands the authority of a role while rejecting the training required for it.

We wouldn’t accept that anywhere else.

You don’t walk into a hospital and say: “I’m called to be a surgeon. Hand me the knife.”

Absolutely not.

Roles requires preparation.

And Scripture gives us an incredible principle:

“Though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered.”

— Hebrews 5:8, NKJV

Even Jesus, in His human experience, learned obedience through what He suffered.

Yet somehow some men have been taught:

“I’m a man, therefore I automatically know how to lead.”

No, sir.

You have to learn.

• Learn how to hear God.

• Learn Scripture.

• Learn self-control.

• Learn sacrifice.

• Learn accountability.

• Learn how to communicate.

• Learn how to apologize.

• Learn how to serve.

• Learn how to steward authority without abusing it.

• Learn how to make decisions without needing your ego stroked.

Leadership is not magic. It is formation.

Part 2 loading… 👀😂 I’ve got some eye-opening points to unpack. Stay tuned!

Music time 🎶

Big bro Marcus Rogers — “Makes Me Stronger.”

This sounds like a song I would write 😂 Like sir, why are you in my notes?! 😭🔥